1 – Timing

I keep a personal journal. I don’t write in it every day, and sometimes I won’t write in it for weeks. When I do write, it is generally a thought that I’ve had after reading something in the Bible. It’s a useful thought, one that should change me and how I think and how I live my life. I was inspired to write each entry.

But thoughts are easy. Words are easy. I put them down on paper and sometimes I may as well have put them on the floor because I effectively walk away from them. I don’t often look back at them – they were for the moment and maybe they will also come in handy one day.

Today was a day that I looked back. I looked back to a post I wrote on 9 August, just a few weeks ago. It was a comment which mainly referred to the future. This is the comment I made:

Just three weeks after I wrote that I was put on antibiotics because of pain I was experiencing, presumably from prostatitis. A couple of days later, I noticed a lot of swelling. I soldiered on, but things weren’t improving. Libby and I went to my grandson’s wedding in Cornwall on 10th September but we had to leave in the early evening because I couldn’t take the pain any longer. We cancelled our planned holiday in Cornwall and came home the next day so that I could get to the doctor on the Monday. I got a telephone consultation and he made an appointment for a physical examination on the Wednesday.

At the physical, he said that the swelling is due to a blocked lymph node. He quickly decided to refer me to a consultant. I said that I would be prepared to go private if there was a long wait to see a consultant. He shook his head and said it wouldn’t be any quicker, because at the top of the referral letter would be the words “URGENT – SUSPICION OF CANCER.”

Even though I had thought that cancer might be a possibility, it came as a shock to hear those words. Even though “I need to be courageous” like I said in my journal, tears welled up in my eyes and fear rose in my heart.

It’s all a matter of timing, you see. My Dad passed away at the age of 95, my Mum is 96 and going strongly towards her 97th birthday. My Dad’s older sister is 97. I have cousins in their 70s and 80s. I have great genes! I’m fit. We go to the gym 3 or 4 days every week. We walk a lot. I have a resting pulse of 50. Nobody believes it when I tell them I’m 72 – they think I’m in my early 60s. My life expectancy must be well into my 90s – and way beyond that, eh?

Timing.

The problem is that I’ve got the timing totally wrong. Because of my genes and fitness regime, I think that when I write things in a journal saying that there will be scary things ahead of me I’m talking about years away! I don’t need to be courageous until then.

But timing isn’t just about when or then. Timing is also about the order of things. As I said in my journal, I need to be courageous. That is not the same as being ready to be courageous – it’s in the present, not the future. If I had been prepared before hearing the doctor say those words, they would not have been quite so shocking.

Libby cried as we hugged each other. Then we had a good, long talk. The courage started to build. We looked at it with the right thoughts in mind.
Firstly, it might not be cancer.
Secondly, if it is cancer, it might not be terminal.
Thirdly, as I said in my journal, death isn’t the end!

Watch this space. There is more to come