22 – Questions, Questions

Did I or Didn’t I?

If you read my last post you will know what this question is about.

So, did I buy the turbo trainer, or didn’t I? Well, the answer to that is easy – it’s yes. Yes to both questions!

I bought it and built it up, then attached my beautiful carbon-fibre bike to it. I climbed on and off I went. But that’s the problem with a turbo trainer – they don’t go off. They don’t go anywhere. In a lot of ways they feel like a bike, especially when you get the smart ones which are all computer controlled and create hills for you, but they definitely don’t sound like a bike! I love the sound of a well-tuned bike, that almost silent whoosh.

It wasn’t just that, though. I quickly discovered that I just didn’t have the energy or the strength  to do it. So, after a couple of days the trainer went back in the box and became unbought. I’m glad to say that the company kept to their promise and gave a full refund.

Did it or didn’t it?

As I said in my last post, my chemotherapy was delayed by a week because my white blood cell count had gone too low. It would have been too dangerous to have another dose, because chemo kills good cells too. At the time, it was good – the hacks, cuts and pain that have been on my fingers for months healed up and the relief was wonderful! But the problem that I was worried about raised it’s ugly head.

I was told way back at the start that my cancer had spread into my lymph nodes. That is what caused all the oedema, the swelling that became a major problem right at the start. I had been worried that it would come back when the chemo stopped and, sure enough, even after a delay of just one week, it did! Fortunately, my chemo resumed the following week, but it took another week after that for the swelling to go down.

It was a bad sign, and it worries me that it is there, but at least it was a sign and it was something that I could discuss with the oncologist at the next review with him. I have now completed my course of chemo and it has definitely improved my health and quality of life, but that probability of the oedema coming back is now a major concern.

There is no doubt that chemotherapy can work wonders, but it is dangerous too! The very first chemotherapy drug was actually Mustard Gas – a dreadful poison which killed so many in World War 1. The drugs have all improved since then, but they can be extremely toxic. They are designed to kill the bad cancer cells but, as I have found out, they can also kill the good cells in the body, like my white blood cells. Doctors therefore have to be very careful in treatment and the programme can often be a period of about 6 months chemo followed by 3 months of nothing so that the body can recover.

Three months of no treatment, where my lymph nodes go nuts, is not an ideal idea for me! I asked the Oncologist what can be done. Will they be able to offer treatment to stop the swelling?

Will they or won’t they?

Halfway through and then at the end of a course of chemotherapy, we have a CT scan to see what progress has been made in fighting the cancer. The halfway scan for me showed some good results and that is probably why they continued with treatment. I am scheduled for my second scan next week. The Oncologist told me that they will look closely at the result of that scan. He said that, because I was very fit and healthy before the cancer hammered me and because I had coped noticeably well with the chemo, having very few side effects, there might  be a possibility of a course of treatment, possibly chemo, directed at the lymph nodes. It will be dependent on the results of the scan and on what the Multi Disciplinary Team decide though.

I have to remember that I was told way back at the start that my chemotherapy was palliative and that my cancer was terminal. This will be a determinant factor in any decision that the MDT make. I am not well!

But

Might?

There are so many mights in life.

I might go there, I might stay at home. I might do this, I might do that. I might give her a call. I might get a new car. I might change my job or my clothes or my mind.

There are mights in my life right now. They might give me treatment. They might not. I might live longer than they predicted. I might not. I might suffer, I might not.

But there is another kind of might.

It’s not a maybe.

It’s the might which means power and strength. When I was fit and healthy, training at the gym, I had strength, but the might that I am talking about is way beyond that! I believe in the might of my all-powerful Mighty God and I am going to put my hope in that might! He is the strength of my heart, even when I am at my weakest. He will be the strength of my heart, even when it beats its last beat!

I freely admit that I am a lot more upset and emotional than I was at the start of all this. I freely admit that I am quite concerned about what the future holds. Back at the start, I was saying that I’m OK about dying because I know where I am going. That is still true – but I want to spend so much time with Libby and with my friends and family, and I don’t want to go yet.

That is why I am looking for a mighty miracle, delivered by my Mighty God, through the hands of the doctors!

Please pray for that.