I should have written this way back at the start of July, but things got in the way. In my last post I was saying that the CT scan had been delayed and that they had decided to extend my chemo a bit. I’m glad to say that they managed to fit me in for a scan and I had a meeting with the oncologist at the start of July. The results were good! The doctor told me that the CT showed that none of the cancer was worse. The cancer in my pelvis was much smaller. The lesion in my liver didn’t even show up!
PHEW!
Libby and I walked out of the hospital and got to the front door. I threw up my arms and said “YESSSS!”
OK, I am not healed, but I’m not worse and some of me is better. That is a pretty good reason to be happy and a really good reason to rejoice. When I think of the bad news I got way back in September and October of last year, it is just wonderful! When I think of the news I got back then, it’s tremendous to still be alive and it is amazing to find that there is a bit of improvement coming through.
It is a reason to rejoice. As someone said to me at the weekend, we really don’t know how or why to rejoice until we have a really good reason. But we should know, and we should rejoice! Every single one of us woke up this morning. If you are reading this now, you are still here. Rejoice in the fact that you are!
That is one of the things that has really come to me since that day, mainly because I forgot it. There have been a number of things which dispelled my joy.
Firstly, I am still on chemo. They have decided to keep going for another three months. I had my 16th dose on Friday. I have tolerated them pretty well, but as I get deeper into it, things get a bit harder and that can put a bit of a strain on me. They have said that I can pull out at any time, but I want to keep fighting this awful disease – and I am going to! Secondly, I have had quite a lot of pain and discomfort and they are reviewing and adjusting my medications to get that down, so that is another weapon in the fight. So, the discomfort and pain have knocked me a bit, taking away the reason to rejoice and even the inclination to write about it all.
Over the last few days, my medication has been going up and my pain has been going down, but a few other things have changed. I thought back to that PHEW that I had when the oncologist gave Libby and me the news that nothing was worse, one thing was better and one thing had gone. I had let the negativity of the pain and discomfort wipe out the joy of actually having been told that I was, on balance, better! That made me realise that I am one of the lucky few who has had a lucky Phew!
When I am in the chemo ward I try to speak to everyone. Every single one of us have had bad news, some worse than others. A lot of the patients are my age but far too many are in their teens and twenties. But it never fails to amaze me that we are all generally positive and those of us with a terminal illness have all said that we are one of the lucky few. We know that death is coming. None of us knows when, but sometimes it feels it’s getting closer. But the main thing is that we all know that IT IS NOT HERE YET!
We have today. We might have tomorrow, but the thing is that we all know and say how important it is to have today, to enjoy today, to make the most of today and to rejoice in today! We are all the lucky PHEW!
As I said above, it’s so easy to rejoice when you have something wonderful happens. But something wonderful happens every second of every day in my life and in yours! Yes, there might be pain, there might be sorrow, there might be unbelievable loss, but there is still breath in you, there is still light around you, there is still hope – and they will be there for you for the rest of your life!
I don’t know how long that life will be. I don’t know how long mine will be. But I know that I am no longer going to wallow in the negativity that pain and discomfort brought me over the last few weeks! I am going to look for the good things, the happy moments, the thankful moments! I am going to look for the PHEW moments! There might only be a few of them, but they are there and I am going to rejoice in them!