To buy or not to buy, that is the question. But before we get to the answer, it would be a good idea to let you now how I actually got to the question.
The last few weeks have had a few problems laced through them.
The first problem was just over three weeks ago when I went for my tenth round of chemo. I have a PICC line in my left arm. This is a tube which goes into a vein just above the elbow. It goes up my arm, round my shoulder and then stops just above the heart. The tube is permanent and is how they fill me up with the chemicals which kill the cancer. It is also used to take blood for tests and saves me getting a needle in my arm every time I need anything done. This particular week they could put stuff into me through the line, but they couldn’t get anything out.
The nurse at the chemo ward didn’t want to proceed because there was a danger that the chemo could go wrong. She said that I might have to go for an x-ray to see what was blocking the tube, and might even need a new PICC line. This would delay the whole chemo programme by at least a week. I burst into tears – I just didn’t want any delays! They decided to put a solution into the PICC line which would perhaps dissolve any blockage. It would take an hour to see if it worked. I messaged a lot of friends to get them praying and I’m glad to say that the blockage cleared. The chemo went ahead!
The following Tuesday I had an appointment to get the nephrostomy tube changed. This is the tube that goes into my right kidney and drains it. It gets changed every three months. The last time it was changed was easy but, as soon as they started this time, there was a problem. The tube would not come out and as they tried to get it out it became more and more painful. Eventually, they managed it. The tube was gunged up at the end that went into my kidney, probably because I haven’t been drinking enough. The kidney was a wee bit damaged with all the pulling and pushing, so I had a few days of pain after the procedure.
Then last week – they say things come in threes – I saw the oncologist the day before chemo was due. She told me that my blood results were not good. Chemo doesn’t just kill cancer cells, it also kills good cells, and it is all about getting a balance. My white blood cells have been hammered in such a way that my immune system has been damaged. If they gave me another dose of chemo, it would cause even more damage and that would be dangerous. Chemo was therefore delayed for a week to let my white cells recover.
To but or not to but
The first time I was told that the chemo might be delayed I was in tears, but the second time I didn’t cry. It’s all about the power of the word “but”. I was told the second time that chemo would be delayed for a week but this time I accepted it with a peaceful mind. I knew that it was the correct decision. I knew that my body could repair itself and get the white cell count up to where it should be!
To be honest, it’s been good to have a rest from chemo! The hacks on my fingers have all healed, which means that I can touch things without screaming! I have also felt a lot better – chemo really does take a lot out of you. I have been fortunate compared to most people in that I have had few side effects, but they have been there. My chemo has been delayed and my healing has been delayed BUT I have been given a rest which has been welcome! The thing we need to be careful of is that the but can be positive or negative. I am sure that there is always a positive but out there – I need to decide to look for it and use it!
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
(2 Corintians 4:8-10)
To be or not to be
All through these last few weeks I have been very emotional. The slightest thing could bring the tears. There is no doubt that fighting cancer is not easy. It isn’t just a physical fight, it is emotional and spiritual. A lot of people give up. I spoke to someone who has been getting chemo for the last seven years and is now asking himself whether it is worth continuing. He is asking the question “To be or not to be?”
I know how he feels. I have done it myself. Sometimes life can get too hard. Sometimes, though, the fear of what life might become is even harder. That is why I have been so emotional over the last few weeks. I have been very afraid of what life will be like when chemo stops. Will the pain come back, but even worse? Will the oedema return and be horrendous? Even if they are going to start chemo again, it won’t be for another three months. What will those three months be like?
That’s a problem in itself. It’s not just to be or not to be – there is a lot of maybe too. Maybe this, maybe that?
That is where the power of BUT has to come in to play! But the pain might not start. But the oedema might not come back. But when I had the week off chemo I actually started to feel better! But even if that all happens, what is the point of worrying about it today?
To buy or not to buy
So how does all this tie in with buying something, and what is it?
If you know my story from the start of this episode in my life, you will know that I was a very fit man when the cancer hit me. Libby and I used to cycle a lot and go to the gym even more. I am certain that my fitness has helped me through the illness and I want to keep being as fit as I possibly can. I can’t go out on my bike anymore because my legs aren’t very strong, and I can’t go to the gym at the moment because of the damage to my immune system. BUT I am determined to be as fit as I possibly can. This will help me fight the cancer in the days to come, and it will make me feel mentally stronger too.
Libby is my hero. On the 1st of May she started the IronMay Challenge to raise funds for Cancer Research. Over the month of May she will run 26.2 miles, swim 2.4 miles and cycle 112 miles. She is well on her way already and if you would like to sponsor her, you can do so here.
I thought I would join in with her to encourage her and to feel part of her challenge. I can’t run, and I can’t go out on the bike. Because of all the tubes coming out of me, I certainly can’t go swimming! So I have set myself a different set of targets. Libby’s total mileage is 140, so I am going to do 140 press-ups in May and I am going to do 70 minutes of plank. I still have my bike, so I was thinking that I might buy a turbo trainer that I can put my bike on and get peddling to try and cycle (indoors) the 112 miles which Libby is doing. I know that I am capable of doing 5 miles in a session, so it is possible.
So the question To buy or not to buy? is about whether I buy the turbo trainer.
I think I might.
I think I will.
If I do, will you encourage me by donating on Libby’s sponsor page? Just click the image below if you would like to.
