17 – No Going Back

Libby and I had our second date in St Andrews over 24 years ago. It was a picnic in the sand dunes. It was wonderful – even though it was November! Since then, St Andrews has always been a special place for us and we have been so many times, walking along the wonderful beach, just enjoying the place. In the last 3 years, we have still been going up that way, but we have gone to places like Elie, St Monans and Anstruther and walked the Fife Coastal Path. They are not the hardest walks on earth, but they are gorgeous and at the end of each walk we could have fish and chips or ice cream or cakes. Lovely!

This weekend Libby and I booked a very nice hotel in St Andrews for a luxurious and indulgent Friday night. Back to one of our favourite places. It was only when we were getting close to St Andrews that my emotions hit me like a brick. Yes, we were going back to St Andrews, but it wasn’t going to be like it used to be. I can walk a bit now, but not very far. A walk along the wonderful beach wasn’t going to happen. A walk along the coastal path wasn’t going to happen. We were going back, but we weren’t really.

There is no going back. Not to the way it was. 

That was upsetting when I realised it. It came with a bang and it reminded me of my illness and current disabilities. It told me that there are a lot of things that we used to do that we won’t do again. It reminded me that we won’t go on long walks, we won’t go on long cycle rides, we won’t go to the gym together. So many things that we won’t do, and we won’t do them because I can’t. 

There is just no going back.

But that wasn’t and isn’t a bad thing. The trouble is that I have gone back to a lot of places over the last few weeks, places I should not have gone. They aren’t actual, physical places. Way back when I started this series I said how I was going to think differently. I was only going to think about things that mattered. I wasn’t going to waste any time, because I had no guarantee of any time. I was going to make the most of every minute. But I have drifted back into places where there really should be no going back. I have just sat there wasting precious time, thinking about the wrong things, thinking about nothing. I should not have gone back there!

It’s too easy to get to that situation. I get up in the morning and it’s just the same as it was yesterday. I drift and waste.

Our overnight at the hotel was wonderful. It was so comfortable and the staff were so caring and attentive – even to the point of putting a free bottle of wine in our room just because we had mentioned that we were celebrating our birthdays which are just two weeks apart! We loved every minute of it. We spent time in St Andrews, St Monans, Crail, Anstruther and Elie – but in none of that time did I have any regrets or sadness that it wasn’t the same. 

This isn’t because I understood that there is no going back. It’s because I understood that there is no need to go back, because I have already done it all! I have been blessed in the past with the health and fitness which meant I could go on long walks or cycle rides or go to the gym or do all the enjoyable things I have done in my life. I have done them all, and now it is time to do something different. There is a lot that I can do and a lot that I am going to do.

The first thing I am going to do is to read all the previous articles in this series. Then I am going to start fighting this illness and all its attendant emotions. I am not going back to the times of despair, because there is no going back. I am not going back to the times where I thought about the wrong things, because there is no going back. I’m not going back to the times when I wasted time itself, because there is no going back!

There is no going back. 

I’m going on ahead! 

See you there?