Fearful delight

Why do we do what we do?
Some things we do just because we do – they sort of happen around us and we just go along with the flow. Some we do automatically, out of habit, and sometimes we don’t even know we are doing them. Sometimes that habit can be so compulsive that we cannot stop ourselves from doing it – we have lost control, and the drift into addiction can follow. We do some things out of our emotions – we laugh because we are happy, cry because we are sad, we lash out in anger, scream with fear.

Believing is seeing

I have had a keen interest in computers for many years. In fact, I wrote my first computer program in 1969. That was a long time ago by anyone’s standards, but in terms of computer development it was way back in the early days! To put it into perspective, there was no internet, no such thing as a PC and Microsoft did not exist. In fact Bill Gates was only 14 years old.
I cannot remember what the program was for, but I do remember that the programming language was Algol and that each line of the program was punched by me sitting at a kind of typewriter, onto special cards – one card for each line of the program. The cards went into a reader which the computer then accessed. I had to carry the cards to the reader and I was very aware that if I dropped the cards I would have to sort them all out into the correct order or the program would not work properly. The computer itself was the size of a house. I remember seeing the computer’s hard disk: it was a sheet of metal about 5 feet in diameter.

Fear is the key

What are you afraid of? Anything? Lots of things? Everything? Nothing?
Many of us are afraid of flying, but I remember Spike Milligan once saying that he wasn’t in the least frightened of flying. Not in the least! But crashing – that was totally different! He was terrified of that!

On being a kept woman!

I asked Jesus to come into my heart and life when I was 5 years old. I had been and have been in the church all my life. I’m now in my 5o’s (not too far in yet) and have recently had what I can only describe as “a crisis of faith”. Robert and I recently left the church that I had attended all my life and have started going to another great church where we seem to be putting roots down again. But in the few weeks after leaving the church that had been such a big part of my life and for so long, I began to question what my faith had been in. Was it really in the God whom I had known all my life since 5 years of age, or was it in the church and all that is involved in it? The people, the services, the worship, the programmes, like Alpha etc. that we were involved in.

I am an addict

The first time I ever saw a drug addict was at a Rolling Stones concert in Hyde Park – a long time ago. There were actually two of them, and I remember how awful they looked, but I also remember thinking “Nutters!” As years passed, I saw many more and I have to admit that I felt total disdain for them – they were nothings, and were not to be trusted as they would rob and steal. Time went by, though, and I started to see them in the chemists waiting disconsolately for their methadone. My heart started to change.